Having just survived my fifth Homecoming dance as a father of both boys and a girl I feel qualified to offer the young men of America some advice: GO STAG or even better DON'T GO! Having a date is not worth the hassle and it will be a major hassle from the setup to the ask to the pictures to the post party.
These are not the sock hops or 80's DJ hosted dances of yore. No, todays dances are a well thought out manipulative play on your romantic notions of dances in order to get mom and dad to authorize renting a party bus with stripper poles, buying new shoes and a new dress and extending curfew for the post party. The girls dance on the bus. The girls dance at the post party. They don't really dance at the dance, they mostly hide from their escorts.
Dates are no longer really escorts they are an accessory. An accessory whose significance ranks well below the borrowed jewelry and the fabulous clutch and serves a role resembling that of the queen of all accessories, the staggeringly high heels, that is to prop her up and make her look good in the pictures. Like the heels he will be cast aside immediately afterward. If she could stuff him in the trunk with her shoes, she would.
It all begins weeks before when the unsuspecting boy receives a text or Snapchat informing him that there is a pretty young thing that may be interested in his company at homecoming. The young horny bunny, so eager, approaches. Like the Cantil pit viper she shakes her tail to draw the unsuspecting rabbit to feast and as soon as he draws close BAM! She sinks her venomous fangs into his soft white flesh and immediately he feels the effect: loss of dignity, loss of will, inability to stand on own two feet or form coherent sentences. He won't die but he will wish he had.
He replies, 'I'm in' but she already knew that. The friend explains exactly when, where and how he is to 'ask' her to the dance. It is choreographed and staged for the best possible Instagram photo to maximize the Likes she gets. He dutifully rents the helicopter, buys the 1000 roses, waits for the school bell to ring to maximize the audience and then showers them over her convertible Beetle and then jumps from the helicopter releasing behind him a parachute with 'Homecoming?" written in the canopy.
"OMG!!! DID YOU SEE HOW BRITNEY GOT ASKED TO HOMECOMING? #AWESOME #SELFIEGAMETOOSTRONG" The Insta gathers 326 likes. Most ever for Britney. What was her dates name? That's correct, it doesn't matter.
In the coming days he will be told what to wear. He will be told to buy her ticket. He will be told to pay for the bus. He will be told when to show up for pictures. He will be told in which pictures he is invited. He will be told to hold her clutch. On the bus he will be told to hold her shoes. He will be told to dance and subsequently ignored when she goes to dance with her friends. At the dance he will be told to 'wait here'. He will be told to hold her shoes. He will be told when she is ready to go. He will carry her shoes back to the bus. He will likely not even be spoken to on the ride back to the car. He will be told to which post party he will be the designated driver for Britney and her three friends. (They ditched their dates altogether. Lucky bastards.) He will be told to hold her hair while she throws up. He will get her home safely.
Finally, it is over except for one last thing. He will get a text saying, 'I had a great time, thanks.' Then he will get another text, 'What did you do with my shoes?'
She might be a bitch but you are for sure the bitch. DON'T GO or GO STAG.